A (sort of) guide to Glastonbury 2016
Don't know what to see? Josh Williams has worked out at least one potential route through Glastonbury 2016.
Published: 9:39 am, June 22, 2016
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Christmas – it’s Glastonbury! As the mud gets muddier, and the photos of it on your Instagram get scarier, it’s time to buckle down and decide who you want to see. No, Radiohead aren’t there. Neither are Daft Punk. Instead, you’re faced with a multitude of clashes or situations where your mate really wants to see Rat Boy but you’re quite happy with Skepta. Here’s Josh Williams'
(sort of) guide to getting the best bang for your buck this year – with a few curios and surprises along the way.
Wednesday & Thursday
Every man and his dog is well aware of the standard festival fare; you rock up on the Wednesday or Thursday, drink yourself into oblivion before having a hangover so bad that you can’t face that Friday morning trek from campsite to arena in order to to see that band everyone’s excited about but in reality you think they’re a bit naff. At Glastonbury, it’s not quite like that. If this is your first, you may want to have a quick look at the map to realise how absolutely massive it is.
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Got it? Excellent. In a site that huge it’s not exactly surprising that almost as soon as the gates open on Wednesday morning, the festival is lurching into life. If you fancy a group of pissed up lads “hilariously” shouting for covers of ‘Wonderwall’, you’re definitely in luck. At the Croissant Neuf Bandstand, there’s an acoustic open mic – perfect for anyone who decides that Glastonbury really needs to hear their acoustic cover of ‘Shutdown’.
(Just us - Ed)
In reality, despite the multitudes upon multitudes of things going on already around the site, it’s probably best you get your bearings. Glastonbury is huge. 1100 acres huge. So, enjoy yourself – wander around, find the best route to Shangri-La or Arcadia, figure out which that secret set may or may not be a Smiths reunion (it isn't). Speaking of the Smiths – for lack of the real thing, we’d highly recommend checking out The Smyths
, a Smiths tribute band who have become Glastonbury favourites with their usual Sunday morning slot, except this year they’re on at 7pm Thursday night on William’s Green before two super-secret sets that, again, probably aren’t Radiohead.
Congratulations! You survived your first two days at Glastonbury! Now to figure out who to see. But never fear! Your friends at Dork are here! First of all, get yourselves to the Other Stage at 11am sharp to see James
. Perfect to ease yourself in with huge singalongs to the likes of ‘Sit Down’ (although we wouldn’t actually recommend sitting down during, who knows what’s been in that mud?) and, erm, the other ones too. Following them is the Stockport quintet Blossoms
at 12:30pm who will undoubtedly deliver their indie pop with glee.
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But after that, where next? You could stay at the Other Stage for Christine and the Queens
(1:40pm) and Frightened Rabbit
(2:50pm) or you could head over to the big old Pyramid Stage where at 1:45pm, Skepta
will be appearing. Worth a shot if only to see the faces of the infamous camping chair and blanket brigade doing their best Seymour Skinner impressions. Not to mention, ‘Shutdown’ will have the entire crowd jumping. Straight after, Two Door Cinema Club
make their return to Glastonbury (again, on the Pyramid Stage) at 3pm sharp. It’s been a while since we heard from the trio but we’ll definitely be intrigued to hear how their new material fares against the old favourites. If none of these options are to your tastes then you always have Rat Boy
on the John Peel Stage at 2:10pm.
Regroup and head back to the Other Stage for Editors
at 5:40pm followed by the ever so slightly louder Bring Me The Horizon
(7:10pm), and Bastille
(8:40pm) who will undoubtedly be treating the crowd to cuts from their forthcoming second album. On the John Peel Stage, you have a run of Half Moon Run
(4:50pm), Jack Garrat
and his magnificent beard (6:10pm) and Explosions in the Sky
(7:30pm). Part of what makes Glastonbury the greatest festival in the world is that you’re spoilt for choice with Daughter
on the Park Stage at 6:30pm (clashing with Editors & Jack Garrat in the process) and Savages
at 9:30pm (Park Stage) clashing with Bastille and that night’s Pyramid Stage headliners Muse (more on them later!). A nice little curio will be Dance Bowie Dance
, one of the many tributes to the icon over the weekend. Billed as “two hours of Bowie originals, remixes & edits” there is no doubt that tears will be shed at the Stonebridge Bar up in the Park from 6pm – 8pm.
Subbing the Pyramid Stage at 8pm are Foals
who will quite easily step up to this massive slot with the likes of ‘What Went Down’, ‘Inhaler’ and ‘My Number’ sure to whip the crowd up into a frenzy. At this point, we face the headliner conundrum. Do you head to the Other Stage to watch Disclosure
(10:30pm), make the trek over to West Holts to watch Underworld
(10:15pm), wander on up to the Park Stage for Richard Hawley
(11pm) or head over to the Avalon Stage to watch The Feeling
(11:15pm) er, fill your little world right up? If you're after pure spectacle, you'd probably be best watching Muse
lay waste to the Pyramid Stage at 10:15pm with enough ill-advised falsetto singalongs to make even the strongest of throats coarse.
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