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Eat Fast's guide to Newcastle

John Edgar gives us a guided tour of Eat Fast’s place of operations, Newcastle.
Published: 8:41 am, April 25, 2017
Eat Fast's guide to Newcastle
Welcome to sunny Newcastle! Yes, it may be quite chilly, but it is one of the driest cities in the UK. And, it is true that the Geordie folk are some of the friendliest going. Just get lost and ask a stranger for directions. You'll see…
We're proud to call Newcastle our home. It's nice and cosy, and the musical community is tight. We all flocked here from, dare I say boring, surrounding areas such as Chester Le Street and Ryton. We live in Heaton and play/work in the Ouseburn. This is a pretty reliable rule of thumb for music folk in Newcastle. Certainly in our circles... 
So, you're in the Toon, and you want gigs, booze, and scran. Here are our hot tips.

The Free Trade Inn
You want a beer to get things started. This pub is the one. Great selection of beer and cider. Two beer gardens boasting the best views of the river and its bridges. A pub-cat called Craig David (he's an arsehole really). The lad's bogs are a delight. Decades of graffiti from Plato to Penises.

The Tyne Bar
Just down a set of stairs from the Free Trade, this is our spiritual home. Three of us work here, and we've all drank here for years. As long as you can get past our terrible customer service, you're in for a treat. Why not sit on 'Swaglet Hill' and enjoy bottles of 'top shelf' in the sunshine. It has a very festival-esque atmosphere. It's the bane of our lives if we're working so, please go on a Sunday when the kitchen is closed! We often have cosy/raucous gigs on a Sunday too.

The Cluny/Cluny 2
Right. Now you want gigs, and The Cluny is the first port of call. Both Cluny 1 and 2 (next door to each other) are class venues. In-house promoter, Joel Thomson does a grand job of putting on great shows. He's also extremely 'internet funny'. Try to get him on Facebook for daily lols and mental breakdowns.All the best local bands have graced these stages. Such as...

Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs
Dear friends of ours. Local rock gods. Just signed to Rocket Recordings. Probably coming to a venue near you. Cross Sabbath, Sleep, and Motorhead and you're getting there. Totally radge shows. It's postmodern innit. An absolute must-see!

Richard Dawson
Richard is a bonafide genius. I do not say that lightly. Before he grew in status, he frequently played very intimate shows around Newcastle. I'd always see the same people there, and we'd always share a knowing glance with each other that we were witnessing greatness.

Box Records
An independent label ran by all-round lovely chap, Matthew Baty (frontman of Pigsx7). An excellent track record of fine 12" releases including Richard Dawson! Everything's coming up Newcastle!

Cheap Lunch
Three lads who don't give a fuck. Fuzzy, tongue in cheek, psychy, punky bastards. Really nice lo-fi quality to these relative new-comers. Geordie Ty Segall? Possibly.

Ten Sticks
Post-rock/electronic two-piece. Gorgeous synth noise with rudiments and paradiddles to warrant a stroke of any chin. Now you want food...

The Ship Inn
Just across from The Cluny. An ex-shit pub that now boasts the finest vegan food in the Toon (arguably). Reasonably priced and extremely tasty. I would eat there every day if I could. Good beer and outdoor seating area. Spend an afternoon there. Just do it.

The Sky Apple Cafe
A slightly more upmarket veggie restaurant in our home ward of Heaton. Amazing and beautiful food. Apparently, Hugh Fearnley-Wankinhair reckons it's one of the best in the country. It has a class little deli next door too. High-end sausage rolls. Fuck Greggs. That guy is scum.

Now go to bed!

Eat Fast’s EP ‘Immortal Kombat’ is out 19th May.

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