This month, Lewis Capaldi runs the gauntlet of our random, stupid queries.
What is your favourite smell?
What was the last thing your broke?
A pair of glasses, with my fat arse.
Tell us a secret about yourself?
I have a birthmark on my arse, and at the moment I have an anal fissure.
What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream?
Vanilla. Just like my music.
What did you last dream about?
A girl in my high school who is alive but I dreamed she died. It was quite a sad one but I woke up, and she’s still alive, so it’s fine.
What’s the best present you’ve ever been given?
My first guitar: the guitar that started me out on the path to self-discovery. I don’t have it; I lost it. I threw it in the bin, unfortunately. I don’t think you’ll get millions for it though. Maybe a couple of hundred pounds if you’re lucky.
If you could win a lifetime supply of anything, what would you choose?
Crisps. I quite like the sweet chilli Sensations. I also like Worcester sauce and prawn cocktail Walkers. Anything that stinks, I’m in.
How excited are you for one of your songs to soundtrack a particularly emotional dumping on Love Island?
I’m very excited. We did send them music last year, and they never played it, but I hope it happens. I can’t wait to see someone SUFFER with my music in the background.
Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
No, I haven’t because I live in the real world.
What have you got in your pockets right now?
A wallet and a receipt for petrol, which I also enjoy smelling.
What would you do if you were Prime Minister for a day?
I’d make it compulsory and make it law that you had to buy my single on that day, and I’d just be loaded.
When did you last feel guilty about something?
I had a Domino's pizza last night, and I felt guilty because I’m trying to be healthy. It was a cheese pizza with jalapenos and some herbs and onions.
When was the last time you said, “Do you know who I am?”?
Never. Unless I was visiting an elderly relative.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
I was in secondary school, in second-year physics class sitting next to my good friend Connor who I’m still friends with to this day. I farted and shit my pants and had to go to the toilet to take them off. Only he knows about that until I’ve told you right now.
Also, when I was 16, I went out to a club where I’m from. My mum knew where I was but she said to be home by 1 and I said, “Fuck off mum, I’m not going to be home then”. I’m joking; she would kill me. She text me at 1, saying, “Where the fuck are ye?" Then at 2, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and it was my mum inside the club. She barged in and pulled me out by the scruff of my neck in front of all my friends and shouted to the bouncer, “Don’t ever let him in here again, he’s 16 years old!"
Who’s your most impressive showbiz friend?
I’m friends with Niall Horan. He’s quite a cool guy.
Who’s your favourite pop star?
I really like Ariana Grande. She’s very good. She has one of the best voices ever. She dances really well, and she seems lovely.
Do you believe in aliens?
Yeah, in some description I guess. I don’t know in what capacity. Aliens could be a fungus on another planet for me.
Have you ever had any spooky encounters?
Nah, I think the aliens have heard about my anal fissure and don’t want to probe me.
How punk are you out of 10?
Zero. Wasn’t it Avril Lavigne who said it’s not punk to say you’re punk? So I’m saying zero cos of Avril Lavigne. A real punk.
What TV show would you like to guest star in?
Springwatch. I’d like it to be a crossover episode with Crimewatch. CrimeSpringwatch. Crimes only committed in spring.
Is 'Mambo No. 5' a good song?
Yes. A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side, a little bit of Tina’s what I need, a little bit of Sandra in the sun, a little bit of Mary all night long, a little bit of Jessica here I am, a little bit of you makes me your man! I’d kill that in a cover, Radio 1 live lounge next time.
Taken from the July issue of Dork. Lewis Capaldi's debut album 'Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent' is out now.
Featuring Bastille, Aurora, Pixx, The Rhythm Method, Sea Girls, Bloxx and loads more.