This month, Alfie Templeman runs the gauntlet of our random, stupid queries.
What did you last dream about?
Pretty sure I last dreamt about lockdown being lifted, we were all with our friends again, and it felt like bliss.
How tall are you?
I'm around 5 foot 7 to 5 foot 8, I think. People always think I'm taller! My mates love taking the mick out of me for it.
What's the most impressive thing you can cook?
I actually love cooking. I did lobster for my parents' wedding anniversary, and I make a nice banoffee pie too.
Have you ever won anything?
I won a lot of awards at school for sprinting. I used to do 100m in like 12 seconds, think my best was actually 11 something. I'm probably shite now cause I haven't bothered doing it for yonks, maybe I should pick it up again.
What is your earliest memory?
Earliest memory was probably my dad playing me a band called Crazy Cavan while I was on the floor banging a pot to it. One of the reasons I make sweeeeet music maynnnn.
What's your favourite indoor hobby?
I like listening to music. I collect records. I also play Minecraft a lot but that's more cause of lockdown.
What strength Nandos sauce do you order?
I order Extra Hot at Nandos. I'm not trying to act hard, but I genuinely put hot sauce on EVERYTHING because nothing feels right without spice. It's like my salt.
What's your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is telling you my biggest fear because if I get really famous, then people on those talk shows are gonna prank me with it.
Who is your favourite member of One Direction?
I adore Harry. I love his music, and he seems like the best guy ever. I love how much he's branching out with 10-minute rock masterpieces. His songs are structured amazingly too. Shoutout Kid Harpoon!
What is your most treasured possession?
I have a signed King Crimson vinyl. Priceless, man. Means more to me than anything.
Tell us a secret about yourself?
A secret? I'm 34. Don't tell anyone.
What was the last thing you broke?
A million girls' hearts. That was a joke. I feel sick.
Do you believe in aliens?
Well, I certainly believe there's more than just life on Earth. Who knows if they're them little green things from Toy Story, though.
What is the best present you've ever been given?
Best present I've ever got was a vinyl my girlfriend made for me that had all my favourite songs on. So good.
What was the first record you bought?
First record I bought was 'Hemispheres' by Rush when I was about 7 or 8 with some money I saved up.
If you won the lottery, what would you spend the cash on?
I'd save myself some of the money for a bigger recording studio but donate most of it to things I think would benefit a lot more people than just myself.
What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?
When I was about 5, we went to this like fire station because they were open for the day to show everyone how they work and stuff. They were doing this thing for kids where you get to use the fire hose which was fascinating to a lot of us, so everyone (must've been a good 100-200 people) was gathered around waiting for their turn to have a go. It came to me and they passed me the hose. I dropped it, whipped out my 'hose' and peed all over the floor. Can't really remember the rest apart from my mum being very disappointed in me. Anyways I did it again the following year cause it was funny, hahaha.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yeah, I always see my dead cat when I'm walking about. Guess that's a ghost innit. Weird shit.
How punk are you out of ten?
Like 0. Soft as tripe. Wish I could be more punk.
What's your favourite smell?
My favourite smell is fresh bread or my own farts.
If you could have a superpower of your choosing, what would it be?
I've always wished I could fly. How cool would that be?
What have you got in your pockets right now?
I have nothing in my pockets. I never have anything in them, to be honest. I forget everything when I play a show. Never have picks or anything.
If you were on Mastermind, what would your specialist subject be?
What's your fave TV show?
I don't watch TV anymore. Breaking Bad is probably my fave show though.
Have you ever sold your own CD or merch on eBay?
No, but if I ever go skint, I'm doing it for sure.
What's your favourite midnight snack?
Avocado toast! PENG.
Why are you like this?
Cause I rock, Dork.
Taken from the June issue of Dork. Alfie Templeman’s EP ‘Happiness In Liquid Form’ is out 15th July.
Featuring The 1975, Rina Sawayama, The Aces, Orlando Weeks, Creeper and more.